So. Obviously my attempts at capturing what magic I had last year have failed. All the digestive problems that had gone away are now back…PLUS I’m dealing with edema and have to go to the docs to make sure it’s not a sign of something more serious. I’m feeling fatter…and less motivated…and I just don’t even want to think about this anymore. I want to withdraw into myself and not feel uncomfortable.

But the seeds I planted last year are miraculously STILL THERE. I just can’t let myself give in to myself. I literally can’t quit and expect to feel good about that. My body is crumbling under the strain of this weight and I am only thirty years old. That's fucked up, folks.

For me, looking back at what worked the best...it was having a personal trainer. Sad that I can’t just do it on my own because it’s good for me, but I’ll be addressing my mental health at the same time...somehow.  But, I have to do what I have to do. I can afford it if I actually keep within my budget, so money isn’t really an excuse. I mean…hello??? I did it while I was paying much higher rent, so…yeah. Not a good excuse.

So, my biggest obstacle will be keeping vigilance. I am the laziest person I know. Seriously…let’s be brutally honest. I am really lazy. I procrastinate like you wouldn’t (or maybe…would) believe, and I just don’t think about things the way a responsible person would. I am all about pleasure first, pain later….or never. So, facing that demon will be a huge, huge obstacle, and I’m sure that behind it lies an entire legion.

So, maybe the rest of the year will be better...and next year will be one of extreme changes. I know myself...I know my patterns. I knew that it would happen this way. I'd be all about exercising, seeing success, and then I'd pull back. That's my pattern. But if it's something I really want, I'll go for it again.

I'm going for it again...but it's going to be a tentative and extremely long process.

Okay. I’m back with regular food/exercise diary entries!

Last night I ordered a swim cap and new goggles…so I’m itching to get those in the mail. I love swimming…I love it so much. And I’m just ready to get back into the pool. The move and the arm injury put me back a couple of weeks, but I’m ready to focus on keeping my schedule and my menus everyday. And my new running shoes are so awesome…I just had to wear them today. :) I’m going to the gym anyway, but I wasn’t keen on the idea of toting around shoes as well.

I’m also thinking of switching gyms to the Metro YMCA because they have a bigger pool. It’s more expensive, though…and not as convenient as my gym, but it’s bigger and it’s right next to the track. And I probably wouldn’t be able to work out with R and D anymore. We’ll see what happens.

Yesterday was a mix of good and bad as far as meals go. I already wrote at length about that. But today, my goal is to stick to the meals I have planned out and not deviate from it. I have plenty of food with me.

I’ll edit this entry for the rest of the day’s meals and exercise stats. It’s for my own records, so feel free to skip. :)

Also…I think I’ve found something I’d like to work for. It’s totally out there…not realistic…I have no idea how it works or even how to begin…but I’m going to go for it anyway.

I’m going to train for a triathlon.

This may not come to pass for a year…or even two. But I’m going to work out with the intention of eventually entering the easiest triathlon I can find around here. This article is really inspiring…

As is this blog…

The only thing I really need to be aware of right now is overdoing it. I get really impatient and want to do everything perfectly RIGHT AWAY. But I need to set the foundation by doing what I can, and being consistent so I don’t burn out. I also need to be putting healthy foods into my body to keep it functioning. The last thing I want to do is burn out and/or work really hard but never reach any goals because I eat poorly.

I think that tonight I’ll be reevaluating my goals and affirmations. The future me is becoming clearer in my head, and I have a better idea of what I want from myself…what I want to prove to the world (I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this is a huge motivation)…and how to get there. I have some great tools, and some awesome support.

I’ve found that on this journey, the things that get me the most excited are the possibilities of what I can DO. The measurements or the weight or anything like that just doesn't do it for me. My whole emotional well being is too attached to that, and I want to move away from it as much as possible. While that information is important and I will continue to use it to track my progress, the things that really get me going and out there is the possibility of DOING something…and getting better at it. I do want to be lean and fit and LOOK good, but in my mind, it's not worth obsessing over and being depressed about.

This mode of thinking is a new development, but it makes me extremely excited.

My body fat percentage is actually 36.7%!! I got the numbers mixed up.

I like this number a lot better.

Whew!!! What a week! I totally got derailed.

Whew! The weekend was short and busy. I managed to write down my food journal for most of the meals I ate...but I haven't entered them yet into SparkPeople. I don't know if I'll have time to do it tonight either...someone's picking up my old couch tonight and before that, I get to haul my new one home. I'm excited!
I did manage to go grocery shopping last night, and I stuck to my list. No ice cream....no cookies...no delicious bread products, either. Lots of vegetables, fruit, beans, and seafood. Only two weeks left until Lent is over, and then I can add proper protien to my diet. 
I'm not sure how my religious life and this new way of eating will work together. I need to talk to my priest. Maybe I can get a dispensation to eat meat during the fasts until I reach my goal (a year or two) the way mothers get a dispensation to not fast while they're pregnant and nursing. We'll see. 
Anyway...I will update later tonight with lots of stats and stuff..

So, since I'm getting rid of my car (all that stands in the way is getting the deed out...which I can't seem to find. Surprising, eh?), I joined a car sharing program for the times when I really need a car. It's great. When I pay to drive, I'm paying for insurance, gas, everything. Good deal, as far as I'm concerned. And I figured that I'd probably only use it to go to church and get groceries. 

However, I was thinking about it...and another good alternative might be shopping for groceries online and having them delivered. The benefits of this would be that I could really take my time, not be overwhelmed by selection or by impulse buying (although, buying online would definately have that element), and I could have my recepies, lists, and books available to consult. 

Just another way to do this right.